Chocolates Make Me Happy!

Monday, November 24, 2003

i took 18hrs to read 18 pages of physics of fluids... i'm preparing my last 2 wars by sea.... it'll end soon... the war will be over soon... and peace will reign... harmony and prosperity shall shower the heads of everyone... and i can finally take a break... yes.. i'm awaiting for that day!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 1:17 AM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

erm... today was a tedious battle... didn't finish the war within the expected time... anyway... my troops are drained... many are sickly... i'm sickly too... cough headache flu.. too much war is bad for health...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:59 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

forgot to mention... i conquered M territory easily.... lalala...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:20 PM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

it was a bloody war... both my troops and the opponents' suffered great losses... it came a point of time when i saw my soldiers in the warfield seem so helpless and i too, felt helpless... The outcome of the war is unclear... i'd probably only know the outcome some months later when experts on warfare have accessed the situation (death toll, loss of territories, revenue loss, etc etc) and judge the final winner...

the chemical warfare in the afternoon ain't as easy as i thought... my nuclear weapons ain't well developed but nonetheless i won the war after suffering some minor setbacks and loss of troops...

tomorrow i will head my troops to give the M territory the surprise attack and conquer the 2nd half of it... i will win i know... just that it may not be that easy because my troops are drained and tired now...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 11:14 PM

Monday, November 10, 2003

oh did i mention... i signed a treaty with General Ky just 2 days ago... We made a peace&harmony pact... that's cos a civil war broke out last monday night but we finally decided on saturday night that such civil wars will not benefit the citizens... although such treaties are usually short term.. no doubt we'll just have to take a step at a time and see how things go... yeah... may peace and harmony reign!!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 6:01 PM

i conquered half the territory today... easily... QED... i shall stay low tomorrow and give a surprise attack on wednesday to conquer the whole territory!! I'm bound to win! yes..!

hmm, but tomorrow i will face the toughest challenge... the deadliest war in the morning... if i win, i will be recognised worldwide for my achievements... i have no choice... i MUST win!!! or else other achievements would be futile (choi)...

anyway, i've gotta go prepare for tomorrow's tough fight... The enemy side is led by the general who is well-known for "killing without blinking an eye", General Paper!!! If i win him, then i'll be the best general on earth... General LiHY!!!!! In the afternoon there's another short war... but that i don't give a damn... those small soldiers... they mean nothing to me... wahaha... so what if they use chemical weapons? i have better nuclear weapons... *lol*

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 5:55 PM

i conquered half the territory today, shall {

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 5:42 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

tomorrow... marks the beginning of a war... wahahaha... i've planned the attacking strategies and defensive backups... I'll not let any prisoner-of-war go unanswered... they'll be tackled and tortured until i find a clue or an answer. I've already prepared my weapons... 5 spears (1 black, 1 dark blue and 3 blue marketed by sakura)... 1 plastic bridge... 1 eradicator... 1 data processor (to calculate enemies' location)... 2 rifles (that shoots out lead)... etc etc....

i will win this war...!!!!

I WILL REIGN AGAIN!!!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:44 PM

Saturday, November 08, 2003

did rj phy mcq this morning... score 25/30... 3 careless... one i learn fr my mistake le... one still dunno why... ok... anyway.. just received his reply again...

i feel... well... broken hearted again... the way he thinks so badly of me... like i'm just some spoilt brat that he cannot tolerate one bit. and now, it really makes me wonder if he really does love me as so he claims... he told me that he's gonna show me that love does encompasses everything... but in his very last email... he seems to be intolerable of me again... "some things u do i just can't take it"... can't take it... hmm... that's why in de first place he broke up with me... encompassing everything must of course include "taking it"... i'm not asking him to be happy with my wrongdoings... i'm just asking for a little tolerance here... not that i'm happy when he did something wrong, at least i tolerated with it and nv simply ask for a break up just like that... because i know my love for him is worth much more than that... but to him, it doesn't seem like he wants to tolerate... or like there's a limit to his tolerance and once i cross it... he wouldn't love me anymore... i just don't understand... his idea of "love" is so fragile... (like my heart now... half pieced half broken)

maybe i'm just fated to be cheated... he doesn't really love me... or maybe he thinks he does... but he doesn't actually... maybe he just feels lonely and need company after breaking up with me... but wanting company doesn't mean love... either way i still feel cheated...

i'm trying to control my tears le... my throat feels burning now... i'm sorry i dropped 5 droplets of tears just now... waste another tissue... haiz...

did a little chem but gave up eventually... i'm sick of studying... i really am... waiting for 19 days to be over... i'm happy counting down to it...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 4:54 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003

i did the math repaper 2 and scored 78... didn't really falter in the stats part... was stuck at this differential and complex qns... too long nv practise those two le... anyway still satisfactory overall... average 81%...

i just replied his email... i'm really quite touched by the emails he sent... i couldn't control so i replied him le... i'm at the lowest confidence level about our relationship already... if he really wanna patch up, then he'll have to help me boost the confidence level. i'm in a dilemma now too... his last email which i JUST received, said that he's at the park near my house now... i wonder if i should go... he'd be there till morning... i really don't know... i'm confused... again.. haiz...

congratulations to myself... i didn't shed a single tear today...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 11:18 PM

there goes my favourite piece of artwork i did in kindergarten... that photo of my face was an original photo some more... haiz.. nvm... what's done is done... i can't demand anything le...

anyway, i just did math repaper for prelims... paper 1 i scored 83.5... i think is quite satisfactory considering i didn't practise math much... gonna have lunch and do paper 2 later... stats a little tougher for me but i'll try nonetheless...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 1:18 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003

i just received a long email from him... i can't help but teared as i read... i'm a little confused now... but felt much comforted after reading too... somehow, it seems like he wants to patch up after a's... erm i dunno but that's my own conclusion of the email... i really don't know... he said he regretted his decision already... but y'know, that day when i asked him twice if he'll regret, he said no... and my heart broke twice... oh and he did the same to the things i gave him before... i hope he didn't cut up the picture (of my head on a model's body.. haha) when i did in kindergarten (it's really a precious artwork back then.. and even now!)... i hope it's still intact... i hope he can give me back if he doesn't want it le... it's my childhood memory... anyway, i really don't know what answer to give... even after a's... i'm just confused... he seems to be treating this relationship lightly... wan break den break, wan patch then patch... i committed this mistake once... but after i did so, he did it twice! it really hurts... and another matter, if he goes ns... means i'll see less of him... much less... will little communication do any good then? i don't know... i'm not even confident le... i'm only confused....

ok i go read rj papers den slp early le... hehe... i'll try to heed his advice... i know it's gd for me... he always meant well... when he said i ate aloud that day... i was upset cos actually i know that's my bad habit... my parents oso always say i eat very loud... but cos my parents always nag and say until i damn fed up, i tried to control, but always end up eating damn slow or really like having trouble eating/chewing... it's really not his fault that day... just me... i was just frustrated la... but when i apologised that night... all was too late... now i'm in this state... haiz...nvm... i'll try not to think abt it le...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 10:25 PM

i'm thinking of him... all the time... is he thinking of me? I remember we used to be able to "telepath"... i don't know if it still works... but i hope his listening to what i want to say... i need some comfort... comfort to my pain... only he can gimme... even if in de day when i see my friends, the comfort they provide is minimum... is temporary... at night i'll feel all lousy again... i wanna apologise to him... i wanna tell him i regret not listening to his advice... i regret not making him feel happy with me... can he hear me? maybe the connection ain't there since mon night....

i really didn't know i'm so dependent on him... i didn't know i depended on him so much until the day i lost him...

dear journal... i'm very weak... i admit i am... i'm not as strong as everybody might see me to be...i only want a warm hug from him now...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 8:27 PM

what's he doing now? who's he with now? where is he now? i can't help but keep asking myself these qns on and off... i just keep thinking abt him...

last night i felt kinda weird... both song n bain asked me the same qns: "are u still angry with him?"... i was a little shocked... since when was i angry with him... i can't wait to tell him i still love him very much... how can i possibly be angry with him? maybe i'm just angry with myself... yupz.. for not treasuring him well... for not making him happy enough when he was with me... yeah, i'm really angry with myself for that... i deserve such a punishment... a punishment that is tormenting to my whole self... my mind, body and soul...

anyway, i'm gonna slp now... did rj math paper 1... was fine... den did the paper 2... was sucky.. do halfway i super totally sian diao... so stopped going le... after i wake up then i go read the solutions directly...

it's pa bday today.... a very happy birthday to u... i hope u like the present i bought...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 4:36 PM

hmm, i admit i cried quite an amount last night... that's what i got my retribution today... puffy eyes! i even took a picture of it... gosh... i really do look damn ugly... see:

haiz.. song told me last night "if u really want him back... then go get him back!" but nvm, i thought about it le... if he's really gonna be happy without me around... then, i'll just have to carry the sadness alone loh... nvm la, for him to be happy, i'm willing to be sad... anyway i'll get over it someday... but, it better be a worthy exchange.... he better be happier than before... that's all i hope... i dun wanna be sad for nothing... that'll be wasting my tears... haiz...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:50 AM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

my tear gland is working extremely well tonight... at least i know it's still working.. that's the only consolation... i just have to worry abt more trees being cut down to make tissue papers only...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 11:54 PM

i realised something... i tend to get more emotional at night... really leh... haha... it's so clear... just look at the contents of my past entries and the time it was written... morning = optimism, zest, energy, new life.... night = pessimism, sadness, loneliness, gloomy life.

now is night time... i'm sad and lonely... and gloomy like the dark skies hovering above my head. my feelings are deep as the ocean... wide as the sea... turmoiling like the perfect storm... and my tears, just like the flood in jakarta now.... i can't help it.... i feel cheated.... damn i do feel very cheated...

just on sunday nite (the nite before break-up), he passed me a stack of physics definitions and at the top right hand corner he drew and coloured a heart bordered with the words "i love u".... and the very night after, he broke up with me...

this makes me start wondering about a cheat-cheat situation:

If he dun love me anymore that's why break up, then he must have cheated me by writing those sweet lovely stuffs on the top right hand corner of the page.

If he still loves me still break up with me, then he broke the deal we settled on, that is to break up only if one/both party doesn't love the other anymore...

either case, i feel cheated... and he only proved to me one thing,

love CANNOT overcome most odds....

and someone argued back... "if it's really love... it can".... that shows another thing... that mean he dun really love me back then loh...

again i feel cheated... i tried so hard not to give up le... and sometimes when i ask myself "why try so hard?" the answer was obvious... 'cos i really love him, and so i must accept him and whatever faults... but i guess it's just one-sided this time.

y'know... it really hurts... it's really biting into me... into my life... just this afternoon as i was having lunch... i saw the food on the table and i got reminded of mon afternoon when he complained that i was eating aloud... the first thing that came into my mind: i hate eating... if only i didn't eat... if only i can starve to death... how i wish... living and loving... both words i hate... both words if only we could do without... or, if only i can do without.

i'm feeling so lonely now... the four walls are closing in on me... i can't help it... i'm feeling suffocated... i broke my own promise too... i used another 3 tissue papers today already...

i wanna sleep early... i wanna stop using comp late into the night... but so what? it's too late already... he'll nv know anyway...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 11:26 PM

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

oh i forgot to mention... Love ain't a tender thing... it's too rough, too rude, too boisterous... and it pricks like thorns... i can't be rough with love... i can't prick love for pricking me.... and so... i'm down... yeah...

still remember when i once told him i can't trust anyone... he told me he'll prove to me with his actions that i can trust his words... that he'll treasure me not like the others... to think i took his words for real... that's how i got hurt la... i shall go back to listening to my papa.. trust no one... or at least... trust just a little will do.... less trust... less broken promises... less hurt... yupz.

dropped a couple of tears today... but yah, i kept to my promise, i didn't use a second tissue... haha... don't have to waste a piece of tissue for just a couple of teardrops right... environmental friendly!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 10:41 PM

morning morning morning! it's a brand new morning for me. woke up at 8.45am... erm, as i lay in bed, i was trying to recall what on earth he gave me so i can throw them all away... haha but i guess, there ain't much to begin with...

things i threw or cut up (and then threw) so far:
1. dreamcatcher (haha, i kept the beads, why waste it, 3 beads only though)
2. a neocard we took together (eh i had fun slicing it up. first snip is to separate us. subsequent ones were to dice up his face and body, den i diced up my own too... cos i wan a brand new me)

things i didn't throw and why:
1. Sigg bottle... damn it costs a lot how i bear to throw... (not because he gave it anyway)
2. Forever Friends Bear Keychain (it really compliments my aztec bag... so what if it's the first thing he ever gave me)
3. Pooh Bear Cross Stitch. erm, dunno leh, maybe give someone else loh. really a waste to throw it. (again not because he gave it alright)
4. OP pencilcase... erm cos i'm using it now and my other pencil cases are not of the right size.

what else? currently i can't think of anything else le. anyway, my rule-to-follow for throwing his things is simple: if he made it, throw it. if it's costly, keep it. yah... and i guess keeping those nice stuffs wouldn't remind me of him... haha... it's a brand new morning right?

i'm alright i guess... at least i hope i will be... ha, he sure know how to choose his time for a break up... yah like... exactly one week before A's... his time management muz be reeeaaall good i must say... well at least i hope he's happier now. or so he claims he would be.

i realise i'm really quite strong.... my eyes ain't very puffy today. ha. means i din cry much last night. like a saying goes, There's no use crying over spilled milk. our relationship was the spilled milk. it spilled on the floor... and this morning i've used a cloth and wiped it up. but, there's still a tinge of milk sour smell... well, no use doing anything already, let time fade the smell away....

great analogy ha...

going for breakfast le... and do some work today... eh geez, i realised sth else... den my monthly sms would never exceed le... haha i'll go ka chiao others more loh... muahahaha

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:26 AM

Monday, November 03, 2003

he just broke up with me... he said i treat him like a dog (?? hmm!) cos when i advice him to do things he muz listen but when he advice me to do things i wouldn't... he said he is no longer happy when with me... he said he wouldn't regret his decision... he said we should concentrate on studies... erm, yah that's about it....

dunno y... sorta foresee it coming someday... didn't thought it would be today... and i was still hoping it could last as long as it could... but oh well, it ended today... so yupz, no more msging him, no more seeing him, no more talking to him.... he doesn't exist in my life anymore... (not that i chose to anyway, he chose to... i was left with no choice)...

i've cried too many times for him... maybe that's why my tears have run dry.... so far i've only used 1 tissue paper... and i intend to limit myself to that single tissue paper.... i will control... as hard as i can... i won't shed a tear more for someone who doesn't treasure me le.

and self-consolation? i'm not as lousy as he thinks. i am a great girl... i know i will be.... i don't need him anymore... i will be independent... i will be strong... I will be able to keep my emotions under full control... i will succeed... i know i will... YUPZ...

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 9:15 PM

Sunday, November 02, 2003

i woke up at about 8+am today. it's a sunday, a rest and relax day (again, everyday is rest and relax for me... haha) anyway, i was lying in bed and thought about the satin cloth at woodlands... haha, i'm gonna make a gold satin gown (tube or halter or toga). and it's gonna cost me even lesser than the wine red gown dat i have already. honestly, u ask me i ask u... why do i need so many gowns? hahaha... pls, it's just for the fun of making, the sense of achievement i get after accomplishing them. Oh oh oh, and as i flipped through the Sunday Life today, i saw this 2 full-page of household design products and this designer's ceiling-lamp really really caught my attention. it's not difficult from what i see... and YES, i'm gonna attempt it after As... hahaha... looks damn cool... honestly i saw that same lamp in a magazine like abt a month ago and attempted to model it using paper but didn't turn out well cos the paper was too soft... haha.. alright... that's gonna be CrEaTiOnS-In-MiNd!!! tata, i go eat breakfast le, just heard papa open the gate, coming home with moi breakfast!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 10:03 AM

hahaha i went to jb shopping today... sometimes really quite impressed with my style of relaxation... 'A's are coming up in just a week's time! geez, dunno how come still got mood to shop... haha... anyway, i've bought some stuffs today. a pair of earrings SGD$2.40 which is quite cartoon la, a boy on one side and a girl on the other. den i bought maybelline mascara for less than $8... erm, honestly i bought that for fun, i mean, hell, how do u even apply that? haha... bought the Eversoft Spa Shower... the one with jojoba microbeads for renewal and revival of skin.. haha sounds cool wad, comes with a free aromatherapy pot and a small bottle of essential oil. haha oh yesh, and i bought my first ever pair of high heels... not very high la, around 2 inches plus i guess... got it for SGD$18... haha not bad la... is those strappy kind... haha i like! but i guess i'll not wear that to prom cos not glittery enough for my liking! oh and anyway, i only went jb with my dad and on our way back we dropped by woodlands for lunch and he showed me the shops selling cloth.. ok DAMN, i repeat... DAMN.... the cloth is DAMN cheap... sux la... spotlight stuffs like costs 3 to 4 times more la... hahaha the satin cloth selling at $2/yard leh! damnz... i'm going there to buy my cloths next time i go jb.... hahaha... after 'A's la... then everyone will see me wearing/carrying things that i sewn for myself... wahahahaha... oh, pa bought a rocking chair from courts today. the chair cushion only one pattern damn ugly i think... i will go sew a cover for it after As... WAHAHAHAHAHA... i'm so slack.. oh but whatever!!!

Sn0wDoVe flew by @ 12:44 AM